LIttle Things

Lately I have been kinda bugging out on how the smallest of things can sweep me sad, smiling, memorable-nostalgia. Most all of it stems from my failed marriage and the fragments that are left behind. BUt all of it leaves me with such a mixed bag of emotions, I had to write about for no other reason than to hold onto them a little longer-something I (me) can go back to down the road and re-reflect on...

What kinds of things? Let's see...

The other day I turned on the wall furnace and was swept back to the first cold days in this house. I am a total novice when it comes to common sense, she led me (many, many , many times) through the proper steps to safelty re-light the damn thing. At the time (and even now), I find my self thinking back to when that went down...

Cleaning the damn bathroom of all places! Something about the smell of the shower cleaner transported me to how it used to smell when we'd be cleaning. Again, I just never could do the bathroom just right, so her territory was marked by various cleaning agents' smells. Now there I was spraying it on and about to cry. Damn...

Music is so obvious, it's almost not worth mentioning. I have a new appreciation/love for Dire Straits, Ben Harper and Jack Johnson. So many days spent listening or hearing these and so many others. Dire Straits seemed to always be on at our first apartment on Franklin-I worked down the street and would walk in to hear Mark Knopfler...Ben Harper was pulling into the driveway last summer and listening to him live, then attending his concert. We were so far apart at the time, but I was on the salvation tip (way too late) and the passion which Ben infused into his songs still sticks with me to this day...

There's the stuff I will never see or do again, things like fly into Grand Rapids airport in the winter. I remember that place so vividly, always grey, super cold, yet totally welcoming. I really love Cari's family, they're great people and I will truly miss their company during the holidays. The wandering around in comfortable clothes, hanging out in the kitchen at Bumpa Bills or in the front room at Grandpa Roughley's. The grey-ness, the flat-ness of MIchigan were easy to target as bad, but in all actuality, I am really gonna miss the place and the drives, the winter, the beautiful green summer...

I'm sure that this is far from over-it never will be. I was part of something that failed, something I personally never wanted to happen, yet something I also allowed to happen through my own (many) mistakes. I can't totally grasp that concept-failure at something I wanted. But I guess I didn't want it bad enough to really make it work. Or something like that. Until I die, I'll be forever reminded of what we had, what I hoped we'd have and shaken to a memory by the littlest of things...a rain shower, camping equipment, questions, goals, mountains...life.

What has come out of all of this is a return to a life I knew before. Me-solo. I have a wonderful son whom I would give my life, my world for....and for that I am happy to return to "Start" again...I have regrets. I've made many mistakes. I'm far from perfect. I have a lot to learn. But I wouldn't trade my life,both its mistakes and successes for anything.

Words

Today...
Work went by
Onto road bike for ride
Head out at 5:30
P.M.
Redwood Rd to Hess
To Bicycle Works
More friends join
Dry Creek To Veeder
Darkness Falling
Climb Veeder
Darkness Falls
I have no light
Moon almost full
Others leave lights off
Mostly...
Darkness
Descent
No lights
Fast
Faster
Too fast
Trust yellow line
Smile inside
and out
Home by 9
Life is good
This is just the start...

More thoughts...my head won't stop going...

What do you do 

When it is more about just you...

When there is no right or wrong...

When blame is not even remotely applicable...

When the best solution is the hardest to accept...

When what seems insurmountable to one...

Is not necessarily for the other....

When you don't really know who you are

what you want

how you feel

what you need

To be truly happy.

What do you do?

You face the next day yourself

and the next

and the next

and you learn...