08 had some crazy highs and lows.
Divorce seemed to be that ever present "sting". Navigation of the stages of grief, while in the beginning seemed insurmountable, by 12/08 had reached a pace in which all I wanted was some closure an end... I still find myself reflecting almost daily on my personal failure in this two-party affair. Mistakes made, lessons learned too late. Daily, I also find myself stumbling upon the fact that I am a "part-time" dad. My son is, for the rest of his pre-adult life, only going to be around "part-time". Totally trips me out as that never fit into my loosely , help, and poorly maintained "plan"... Regardless, I embrace my time with him and cherish it for all it is worth.
08 brought about a slow change in "me" as well. Sure, it took my reaction to an event, but it opened, slowly and gradually, a door to me and seeing exactly what I wanted for myself in this thing called life. I'm a very non-confrontational, routine person-almost to a fault. Settling into routine, settling in general defined a lot of my life and decisions. With each experience, both good and bad last year, I personally took it upon myself to try and recognize the part I played in it unfolding and to understand and learn (no matter how small) from it...This is going to be a huge work in progress as I have a lot to learn not only about myself, but also my son, my relationship with his mother, my family, and future partners. Expectations and more come into play. I've already seen it play out in a few instances and it was less than optimal. Granted, I learned enough to see my mistake(s) early and thereby recognized that the situation was not what I really wanted, but it was a tough pill to swallow...but it gets easier as I learn more about me. Anyway, suffice it to say, I will continue to grow, to learn to get along better with myself as well as others and to definitely not settle for immediate-anything. I realize that I am worth so much more, now more than ever-in personal relationships, my job and life in general...
08 opened my eyes to a competitive side of myself in regards to bike racing. I attended and participated in more racing events last year alone than anytime in my life. And I loved it! I met tons of really great folks, became closer friends with some of them and most importantly found something that I really enjoy for so many reasons. I'm not in these races to finish first-hell, I am happy to just "finish", but the camaraderie, positive atmosphere, physical challenge and sheer joy I get drives me to do even better in 09 and beyond. Racing and riding are my church, my sanity-inducing items and important elements of "me".
08 is in the books and 09 is on the way. I have personal goals outlined I won't share here, but suffice it to say I am excited to grow and be even better as a human from this point on... Some things take longer than others and my evolution will continue until I die...but it will continue...
Here's a little song I was listening to the other day, somehow it just grabbed me on so many levels...it just seems to be applicable to so many instances, people and experiences I had to share it... in reality, it outlines my toughest pill to swallow, that I am only responsible for myself, for "me"--no one else. I can only be me... "me" being everything good, bad, mistakes, victories...everything... Anyway I liked it and it helps out....
I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
[End Chorus]
Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that ive done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
[End Chorus]
Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that ive done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are
2 comments:
Hi-Stefan's Mom here. Missed your posts for a while and glad you are back. Speaking as one who was forced into a divorce I originally didn't want, I can appreciate what you are going through...though we all are individual and have unique experiences, there is some unity in the divorce experience. It took me nearly one year after the divorce was final before the sting went away. Even though I had begun dating my current husband about 6 mos after my divorce. Looking back now I am soooo thankful. The divorce forced me to grow in so many ways, and in the end Danika and Stefan learned a lot from it was well. And the icing on the cake is my current husband of 27+ years is still my knight in shining armor. My heart goes pittypat at the sight of him. So keep the faith...good things are in store for you and I am sure Jake will thrive and be happy. After all, he's got a great Dad!-Patrice
Thanks Patrice...like I've said many times before, I am just as to blame for the failure of the marriage as anyone-toughest lesson I have had to learn my entire life...but I am learning and seeing that life has a way of doing just these kinds of things, and with each test we can choose to come out stronger or weaker...with a beautiful son to consider, I have chosen stronger...there is nothing more important to me than his well-being...
My impatience has been life-long, but somewhere inside of me I know it's all gonna work out fine, as as it should have.
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